the original kStyle blog.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Wednesday Writing Assignment

Tell a joke.


Blogger Eric said...

This is actually the only funny joke I could think of that would be at all appropriate to share here. Anyone wants any inappropriate ones, do let me know.

A pilot crash-lands on an island and is taken captive by the native tribe. The chief comes to him and says, "Look, normally in these circumstances we'd just kill you, but it's a nice day and we're in a good mood, so we're going to give you the chance to earn your freedom."

The pilot asks how. The chief says, "In front of you are three caves, and in each cave is a task you must perform in no more than one hour each. If you complete all three tasks in three hours or less, you go free."

He points to the first cave: "In there you'll find thirty bottles of vodka. You have to drink all thirty bottles in an hour. Then, if you can, go into the second cave, where you'll find a vicious lion with a sore tooth. You have to extract the tooth with your bare hands. One hour. Then, if you're still alive, go into the third cave, where you'll find a woman who has never been sexually satisfied in her entire life. If you can gratify her in less than an hour, you get to leave."

The pilot takes a deep breath and enters the first cave. For the next hour, empty bottles come flying out, and an hour later he staggers drunk out of the cave and goes into the second one. For an hour, the natives hear the lion's screams and wails, until finally the pilot emerges.

"Okay," he says. "Now where's that girl with the sore tooth?"

10:47 AM  
Blogger kStyle said...

1. Have you heard about the Buddhist vacuum cleaner? It comes with no attachments.

2. A blast from the past: Pete and Repeat were sitting in a tree. Pete jumped down. Who was left?...Repeat.

Pete and Repeat were sitting in a tree...

9:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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9:13 AM  
Blogger Eric said...

"No attachments." That's clever!

9:35 AM  
Blogger Ann said...

Stop me if you've heard this one before:

Two men are sitting at a bar on the fourth floor of a building. Suddenly one of the men puts his drink down, runs to the window, and jumps out.

Two minutes later he comes walking back into the bar. The second man is shocked. He asks, "How in God's name did you do that?" The first man says, "Well, it's easy. Heat rises, and alcohol makes you warm, so if you drink enough beer you become lighter." The second man says, "Wow! I gotta give that a try!" and runs to the window and jumps out.

The bartender turns to the first man and says, "Superman, you're such an asshole when you're drunk."

11:46 AM  
Blogger Ann said...

Usually I prefer abstract nonsense jokes and jokes with puns in them (like the "attachments" one--heh), but I can't think of any right off the top of my head...

11:47 AM  
Blogger kStyle said...

Ann, that one's awesome. I hadn't heard it before.

1:13 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

That is a good one, Ann. Nice.

A man goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy with a dog. He says, "Pardon me--does your dog bite?" The guy says no, so the man pets the dog, and the dog bites him. The man's hand is bleeding and he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

"He doesn't," the guy says. "But that's not my dog."

2:09 PM  
Blogger kStyle said...

HA! Not my dog.

8:54 AM  
Blogger Ann said...

A man walks into the bar with his dog. The bartender tells them he doesn't allow dogs in his bar. "But this is a *talking* dog," the man says. "If I get him to talk, will you let us stay?" The bartender's skeptical, but he nods.

The man turns to the dog. "What's the top of a house called?" The dog says, "Roof!" The man asks, "How does sandpaper feel?" The dog replies, "Rough!" The man asks, "Who's the greatest baseball player ever?" The dog says, "Ruth!"

The bartender is disgusted. "Get outta here!" he yells, and throws them out. The dog turns to the man and says, "Should I have said Mantle?"

10:48 AM  
Blogger Eric said...

Variations on a theme:

An old man goes to confession, sits in the booth, the priest asks what he has to confess. The man says, "I'm 85 years old and I'm having an affair with a 22-year-old woman. She just moved into my apartment. We have sex all day."

The priest tells him to say five Hail Marys and ten Our Fathers and to knock off the affair. The man says, "But I'm Jewish."

Priest says, "If you're Jewish, why are you telling me?"

Old man says, "Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody."

* * * *

An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying. Another fellow sits down next to him, asks what's wrong. The old man says, "I'm 85 years old and I'm having an affair with a 22-year-old woman. She just moved into my apartment. We have sex all day."

The other man says, "That sounds terrific. So why are you crying?"

Old man says, "I forgot where I live."

11:17 AM  
Blogger kStyle said...

A cop pulls over car speeding down the highway. As she's about the write a ticket, she notices 5 penguins sitting in the back seat.

"Sir, you have penguins in the back seat."
"I think you'd better take them to the zoo."
"That's a great idea! Thanks! I was trying to figure out what to do with them."

The next day, the same cop pulls over the same car for speeding. The penguins are, again, in the back seat.

"Sir, I told you to take those penguins to the zoo."
"I did, and we had a great time! Today we're going to a ball game!"

11:50 AM  
Blogger Emma Goldman said...

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you? A stick.

and I, too, love the "no attachments" line.

1:46 PM  
Blogger kStyle said...

I liked that boomerang joke, perhaps too much. HA!

Of course, you've likely heard the more common Buddhist jokes, but just in case:

1. Zen monk to hotdog vendor: Make me one with everything.

2. The hotdog vendor takes the monk's twenty and places it in the box, then serves the next customer.
Monk: What about my change?
Vendor: Change must come from within.

2:19 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

Love the boomerang one.

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Along the same lines: A friend of mine was telling me about his wife, who organizes religious services at the Minnesota State Fair. He tried to talk her into giving out the Eucharist on a stick. She wasn't amused.

He said he would have suggested giving everybody a cross and calling it a stick on a stick, but he didn't think she'd find that funny, either.

(This assumes that everybody knows that the MN State Fair is all about things on sticks. Last year macaroni and cheese on a stick was a big deal.)

2:46 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

And I hadn't heard the Buddhist jokes. Heh heh heh...

2:46 PM  
Blogger kStyle said...

And I thought they would have to fry the Eucharist to serve it at a fair.

Wait. Why does a state fair need religious services?

3:01 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

Hmmm. I guess it doesn't need a religious service. It just has one, in the same way that it has daily parades and a rodeo and talent shows and concerts and a sculpture made out of butter and a cowboy monkey.

I mean, this isn't some rinky-dink state fair; this is one of the biggest and oldest state fairs in the country. It's a whole culture, a little city that exists for twelve days every year.

Here's their poorly-designed website:


4:42 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

(I love that you can look up food you want to buy at the Fair before you go: gopher.mnstatefair.org/foodfinder/)

4:43 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

(I also love that the Food Finder has a listing for "Gummy Bears" and also "Worms (Gummi).")

4:45 PM  
Blogger Emma Goldman said...

The boomerang joke is my all-time favorite. The first time I heard it, it just happened to strike me, and I laughed so hard I had tears rolling down my cheeks.

However, Eucharist on a stick? THAT is funny. (Mac and cheese on a stick? WTF?) Though, really, if you believe in transubstantiation (which I realize is not a Protestant tenet), then eucharist on a stick is really kind of a crucifixion all over again, no? And if you deep-fry it, you have to sprinkle it with powdered sugar, do you not?

5:38 PM  
Blogger kStyle said...

Oh my word, Ann, there's a whole "On a stick" category. And I thought you were being somewhat facetious.

This ain't the Rehoboth Fair no more.

7:17 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

If I'm not mistaken, this post may have set a Float record for Most Comments.

9:39 AM  
Blogger kStyle said...

It very well might have. It's hard to know for sure, because when I switched templates back in the day, all the old comments were lost.

10:13 AM  
Blogger kStyle said...

Emma, you're probably right that a fried Eucharist would have to be dusted with powdered sugar. You are the pastry expert, after all.

10:53 AM  

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