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Friday, April 15, 2005

Anger

Anger is not my usual vice. Yesterday tried all my nerves, however, a barrage of mishaps jarring me like those old drills the dentists once used to plow through teeth, when they made that extra nasty buzz upon hitting a raw nerve.

Several colleagues were being idiots. Acting incompetent. Heat rose up through the crown of my skull and my feet became cramped. After 3 or 4 such instances, I found I couldn't bring myself back down from the anger ledge. I went to bed tense and pissy and woke up tense and pissy. My pissy tenseness was out of proportion with anything that had actually transpired.

And then, in the steamy relief of a shower, I realized that I am angry with cancer. It took another young life from my friends this week. And now it's starting to make me blindly mad.

4 Comments:

Blogger Emma Goldman said...

I'm so sorry to hear that--about the cancer. The anger is an understandable response, and it's a common way to delay grief and fear until we can get to the grief and fear and handle them. I wish i could make dinner for you tonight . . .

10:30 AM  
Blogger kStyle said...

you're very sweet. part of the anger response is, I think, that this person was a relatively new acquaintence with whom we were hoping to become better friends--so, it's not like we knew him well enough to grieve full-out, but we are pretty sad--and shocked, as it was a surprise to everyone, including him--and I am very angry.

11:05 AM  
Blogger Ann said...

Man. I'm sorry.

Cancer sucks. One of my coworkers died suddenly from breast cancer last year, after having been cancer-free for many years, and one of my friends/coworkers/writing-group buddies is getting close to chemo. He writes about it--poetry and nonfiction. He's pretty amazing, not to mention an excellent poet.

And it's not like there's anything you can do about it, which only makes it worse.

4:07 PM  
Blogger kStyle said...

Your friend/coworker/writer must have some amazing writing about struggling with cancer. I can't even imagine. All I know is, people with cancer are real heroes.

6:15 PM  

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