Q: How are vegans like born-again Christians?

A copy of VegNews sat on the office kitchen counter, the place where unwanted food and books go for colleagues to consume. I grabbed it; its brightly-colored cover promising an article about sweet potatoes was inviting.

I expected a magazine packed with delicious vegetarian recipes, highlighting creative new uses of vegetables. I carried the magazine around in my bag for two days, eagerly awaiting a free moment to thumb through the glossy pages.

That free moment came today. Boy, was I disappointed.

First of all, VegNews is not a magazine for vegetarians. It's a magazine for vegans who have apparently never read the Omnivore's Dilemma and therefore don't realize that sugary, processed soy crap (vegan ice cream in mass quantities, for example) is as bad for the earth as it is for your body. Not that I'm above consuming a little SoyDream--but, if the Militant Vegans want to go on and on about how much holier and healthier they are than I, they should not be eating soy crap.

The magazine is sprinkled liberally with advice on how to convert the omnivores--even the vegetarians--to the vegan lifestyle. Especially riveting was the article "Sowing the Seeds", in which "author with attitude Rory Freedman shares her no-nonsense, tough-love recipe for getting your guy to go vegan". Here's my faaaavorite part of that article, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do:

When he orders meat at a restaurant, don't make a peep! A huge challenge for all compassionate vegans is successfully enlisting others without alienating those around us. So quit being such a damn nag. Unfortunately for women everywhere, nagging is ineffective.

Yes--women are nags! So enlightened are these vegans! Throughout this incredibly "compassionate" article, Ms Freedman refers to the theoretical meat-eating lover as "the big lug". Yes! So nice!

I won't get into much more detail here, because life is short and there are better things to think about, but did you know that vegans are thinner, healthier, more compassionate, and more determined than their animal product-eating counterparts? Oh yes, and they're trying to convert us for our own good. And there are testimonials from people who are so much better off since becoming vegans! Which all reminds me of those wacky, preachy, Jesus-loving zealots.

Recipes? There are exactly three in the whole issue. But there is plenty of stuff to buy buy buy, and also an article about 8 Vegan Weddings!

Like born-again Christians and who try to reach out to teens through rap and hiphop (check out the hilarious movie Saved! for a parody), here we have born-again Vegans trying to mainstream their message with a normal pop-culture medium. How long until we see a Christian Vegan movement? Is it here already? And to clarify, I have nothing against being Christian or vegan, and appreciate some of the core values in these movements, but can't stand the extremism, the need to convert. And the perverse lack of sensuality in both movements. Three recipes? This is not about savoring life. I daresay there is an element of hating the body in both movements, or at least in the dumbass magazine.

Someone once said that she or he most feared the dictator that would oppress the people for their own good. Whatever that quote is, I've mangled it and I'm sorry, but that's the idea.

PS. Another similarity between the movements is that both have a sort of "end times" feel. But I've run out of steam (probably because of all those animal products making me sluggish!) and won't get into this.