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Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Writing Assignment: Too Good To Relegate to the Comments

By Eric:

This writing assignment is fairly easy for me, since I happen actually to BE an olympian god. The only Jewish one, as a matter of fact. These are the required rituals: Friday is the Sabbath, the day on which movies are released nationwide. Supplicants should reserve the theater a week in advance, and only I may attend, with occasional exceptions for particularly devoted followers who promise to be QUIET throughout and agree with me about everything afterward. No food may be eaten nor beverage consumed during the show, as even we immortals cannot fully concentrate on a film while we eat.

Stories are read aloud to me nightly, with extra credit for those readers who edit the stories beforehand, eliminating adverbs and other such nasty bits of bad prose. Speaking of nasty bits, and as a previous poster mentioned chocolate and sex, worshippers are required to keep on hand at all times a supply of Hershey's Pretzel Bites, milk chocolate variety of course, as they taste as though they were actually invented by God himself. As in, the real one. Not just we Olympian fakers.

As for sex, well, as a Wesleyan alumnus I have a pretty liberal attitude toward these things, and would never be so chauvinist as to suggest that there are heavenly rewards for women who are ready to fulfill my every whim and desire, but I will say this: there are absolutely heavenly rewards for women who are ready to fulfill my every whim and desire. Interested in immortal life? Come up to my mountain on the cloud, and bring some scented oils.

Finally, a few items never tolerated under any circumstance: smoking, conservative politics, and bad grammar. Always welcome: wit, smart remarks of any stripe, and the ability to make a good margarita. Any of those will win you a place by my throne. The view is good here.

This god controls rain, reality television (Fantasia's going to win "Idol," folks), and hair growth. Karen took all the good stuff. Meanwhile, he is the patron of writers, great and small, as well as celery growers worldwide. He rules over primetime, and thus should not be bothered during the "Friends" finale. His favorite Queer Eye is Ted, who should be stopping by with a good cabernet any minute now.


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