the original kStyle blog.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Wednesday Writing Assignment: Satire

Go ahead, do an impression of someone you work with. We won't tell.


Blogger Eric said...

"You know, it would really be better if you loaded the copier this way instead of the way you're doing it. I'm just going to show you."

5:48 PM  
Blogger Emma Goldman said...

My imitations are (a) mostly of people with whom I used to work and (b) largely gestural; the latter makes it difficult to communicate them to you.

7:12 PM  
Blogger kStyle said...

...And then we went to this fabulous restaurant, where the sommalier used to work at [other fabulous restaurant] with [name drop famous chef], and the sommalier was so happy to see us that he gave us $300 wine for $25. Yah, it was really cool. And then we went to this weird punk show where the band wore tin foil costumes and sang in Basque. They're incredible.

7:37 PM  
Blogger kStyle said...

Disclaimer: I really like the person I've impersonated. I think this person is fabulous at their job and a lot of fun. I'm merely amused by the quirks.

9:38 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

Actual quotes from one person during the course of a couple days:

"It always--and I mean always, I'm not making it up--snows on my birthday. November 19."
"I don't get good cell phone reception at her house. But that's OK, because then nobody can bother me."
"I smell something that smells like the inside of a vacuum cleaner bag. But I'm not having an allergic reaction to it, so I don't know what it is."
"I don't like how the new envelope flaps taste when you lick them. Only I would notice that."
"I'm only here until 4:30 today. Seriously: I'm leaving at 4:30. So don't even ask me to stay longer, because I won't."
"I used to be a preschool teacher, so I know what you're talking about when you talk about kids."
"I'm going a little crazy today. Silly little world."
"Jessica did a real good job of training me." [sarcastically]
"I really like Doritos. I can eat half a bag in a sitting. The things you know about me now..."
"I definitely feel like I might have the beginning of an allergic reaction in her eyes."
"My parents made me sell my own fundraiser candy bars."
"I don't miss Halloween when I used to work at the preschool, because the kids were always asking me for the candy."
"I had an 'all-natural' breakfast today."
"I was in Iowa for the weekend."
"I'm going to learn massage therapy. The textbooks are huge, but I'm going to keep them forever. I'd like to go into acupuncture."

Somehow she manages to turn herself into the subject of EVERY CONVERSATION. It's almost admirable, the way she does it. And she says it all in a high-pitched, whiny voice that carries across the entire building. I can't freaking STAND her.

But you always need someone to hate at the office. Hate makes life interesting.

11:38 AM  
Blogger Eric said...

I think Ann wins this one. (Or would, if it were a contest.) I wish I worked with this person. Sort of.

The woman I quoted in mine is also the kind to turn any conversation into something about her. Real-life example: the day before Yom Kippur, she said she hoped I'd have a good holiday. I told her the holiday was for fasting, and usually not "good" in the traditional sense. She said, "Oh, you fast? My husband had to fast the night before his colonoscopy."

On one hand, the second-holiest day of my people's year, a day of contemplation, sacrifice, and atonement. On the other, her husband's rectum. One must have to really, really need to steer a conversation to something of direct relevance to oneself to get from A to B on that one.

12:39 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

Wow. I wouldn't even know how to respond to something like that.

11:26 AM  

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