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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Poem

I’ve been working on this one for a couple of falls, playing the words through my head while I walk outside. The perfect second verse still evades me. Comments are welcome.

1. The World is its most beautiful
In Autumn’s perfect light,
That mellowed gold
Of days grown old
Like red wine dark as night.

2. The World strikes bright and beautiful [awkward; a mouthful.]
In Autumn’s amber light;
Green leaves are bled
Yellow and red
A burst of joyous sight [lame]

Or

The World strikes bright and beautiful
In Autumn’s amber light;
Green leaves turn gold,
Their secrets told [nice, right?]
On wind lalala –ight. [stuck]

[moving on]

3. The World turns soft and deeply sad
In Autumn’s low twilight;
In shadows long
The birds sing songs
Of a great Southward flight.

7 Comments:

Blogger kStyle said...

OK, Imagine the 3rd and 4th lines of each verse indented. Didn't come out.

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don`t give up the day job- it`s cack!

2:02 PM  
Blogger kStyle said...

I should say, constructive commenrs are welcome.

Dear Anon, I write for fun and the enjoyment of language, not to measure up to your standards, whatever they might be.

3:32 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

Anonymouses (anonymice?) have a tendency to believe if they do not like something, it must neither be good nor valuable, and it's up to them to rid the world of it by assaulting those for whom art, and the purpose and process of creating art, doesn't fit a narrow definition. They have been proven wrong again and again, and yet they continue to criticize, self-elected arbiters of taste.

Moving on:

I get a sense of myth and fairy tale; quite lovely.

I like the second version of the second verse because it seems that you're going for a pretty strict meter, and so the third and fourth lines work better than in the other version.

I'm also liking the "o" and "ow" words: mellowed, gold, old, told, low, shadows. I think you've tapped into a sound that's particularly compatible with fall. If you want to run with it, read the poem out loud and take out words/syllables with harsh, contrasting sounds.

Don't don't don't get rid of "The World strikes bright and beautiful." It's the opposite of awkward; it's a great line, with the assonance and alliteration, the powerful verb, the short, fine-edged words. ("Bright" is one of my all-time favorites.)

PS. A good place to find rhymes (and synonyms and antonyms) if you're stuck is http://www.rhymezone.com/ .

5:51 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

And also, to let you know how I'm reading the poem's sensibility, I'm thinking haiku (hello, season identifiers!) crossed with Poe (the sound, not the content) crossed with the British romantics--with a hint of Whitman and Dickinson. You could play up one or two of those aspects, depending on how seriously you're interested in revision.

6:00 PM  
Blogger kStyle said...

Thanks very much, Ann. All that feedback is most helpful. I was definitely thinking it was sort of Romantic-style, and I like that the sound reminded you of Poe (I love his Bells poem--I think of it as a song). I'm really going for a poem that sounds melodic read aloud, so I will work with the sounds you suggested. Thanks also for the rhyme suggestions link.

Per Eric's suggestion, I'm also going to tweak the last line to make it fit the meter better.

10:04 PM  
Blogger kStyle said...

I'm also trying to set the poem as three distinct phases that reflect the phases of autumn: precise and warm, with a hint of the darkness creeping in (September); vibrant and bursting but tempered compared to summer (October, foliage); chilly, dark, and a little sad (November). Does that make sense?

10:06 PM  

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